Dear Kate Winslet (or, Stop Kate Winslet's American Accent now!)

Dear Kate Winslet, or Stop Kate Winslet's American Accent Now!

Dear Kate Winslet: Your American accent is like hearing nails scratch across a chalkboard. Do you have a deviated septum? Why do you sound so nasally, angry and pompous? #stoptryingsohard

Dear Kate Winslet: Do you hate American women or are you jealous of them? You only choose to portray the most miserable and awful American female characters.

 Dear Kate Winslet: Does Leonardo DiCaprio mind that you are constantly trying to stick your tongue down his throat at awards ceremonies?

Dear Kate Winslet: #siblingsdontfrenchkiss

Dear Kate Winslet: Stop making American women look so cold, sexually repressed and vapid with facial ticks. And stop watching Woody Allen films!

Dear Kate Winslet: Your character should have never made it off the boat in Titanic alive. I need those three hours back.

Dear Kate Winslet: I like you best face down getting banged by Guy Pearce from behind in Mildred Pierce. #notalking #stopkatewinsletsamericanaccentnow

Dear Kate Winslet: I only watched ninety minutes of Titanic, not three hours. I lied. #scaredofdrowning

Dear Kate Winslet: And I'm actually jealous of the whole Guy Pearce thing. Not same since LA Confidential or Hedwig, oops I meant Priscilla.

Dear Kate Winslet: Did you really think Revolutionary Road would make a good date movie? Little Children?

Dear Kate Winslet: No chemistry with Jack Black in The Holiday. None. And he's like...fat and jolly. Like Santa. No chemistry with Santa.

Dear Kate Winslet: Great job as an animated rat who lives in the sewer on Flushed Away. Seriously. My favorite performance.

Dear Kate Winslet: I actually liked Russell Crowe better than Guy Pearce in LA Confidential. With a crew cut Russell looks like a Bull Dog. I like the Bull Dog look. And guys named Bud. I drink a lot of Bud Light(with a lime.)

Dear Kate Winslet: Hope you enjoyed fleecing our American mortgage system for cheap prime NYC Real Estate.

Dear Kate Winslet: Are you really honored just to be nominated in the same category as Meryl Streep, or do you really want to eat her face off like a Preying Mantis?

Dear Kate Winslet: Are you secretly a Preying Mantis or a Battlestar Gallactica Cylon sent to secretly take over Hollywood and make all of us your slaves?

Dear Kate Winslet: If you had to choose between Meryl Streep and Leonardo DiCaprio to go on the lifeboat with you, who would you leave to die?

Dear Kate Winslet: Did MI-5 install a surveillance system at Leonardo DiCaprio's Malibu home for you?

Dear Kate Winslet: I'm just jealous you were in a Charlie Kaufman film. And you've won like fifty awards. And Leo's “like” your brother.

Dear Kate Winslet: Does a sister nearly asphyxiate their “brother” with their bosom?

Dear Kate Winslet: Do you sleep in a meat locker at home or is your cold blood genetic?

Dear Kate Winslet: How much of a stretch was the Nazi thing?

Dear Kate Winslet: When's the next film with your “brother” Leonardo DiCaprio coming out? Does he return your calls? Texts? Singing telegrams?

Dear Kate Winslet: Is there a time limit on your smile before you implode?

Dear Kate Winslet: Are you in fact one of the X-men? A mutant? Do you live in a country castle with a wheelchair bound James McAvoy Professor X? Is your "special power" not perfecting an American accent? Do you hate Meryl Streep because she is always so good at perfecting accents? Does Magneto aka Michael Fassbender live in the castle with you? Does he wear pants? Can you ask him not to, and please invite me over?

Dear Kate Winslet: Do you channel Woody Allen's Husbands and Wives when you do American female neurotic? And the accent? The abject unhappiness?

Dear Kate Winslet: Are you still bitter about an American actress landing Bridget Jones Diary? Do you owe Colin Firth money?

Dear Kate Winslet: Are you ever happy? Warm? Do you always wear Burberry and/or have a lip snarl?

Dear Kate Winslet: Did you murder Emma Thompson? Is she buried in your back yard? I haven't seen her in any movies where she's not in a disguise in many years. Did you enjoy kicking her off her high horse?

Dear Kate Winslet: If I show up at your house at three pm are you obligated by law to serve me tea and shortbread?

Dear Kate Winslet: Have you ever shared a cup of Earl Grey tea aboard The Enterprise with Captain Jean-Luc Picard? I mean, with Patrick Stewart? Or is he really Professor X?

Dear Kate Winslet: Stop hiding your Cockney accent in the Queen's English! Michael Caine ratted you out.

Dear Kate Winslet: Will you please star in my film so you can portray an unhappy, cold, sexually repressed woman...with an American accent? I want an Oscar, or at the very least an Independent Spirit Award. I heard you can wear flip flops...

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